Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers