They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Aight bet
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
guys I’m going home