Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
britain’s three elite institutions
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.