POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I have so many questions.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.