My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
this chia pet tastes awful
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?