[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
how was your vacation
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond