My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.