Those are good neighbors.
You Might Also Like
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
The funk soul brother
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
“what that mouth do?” complain