I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Money is the root of all wealth
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice