Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why