The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Just a reminder, folks:
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.