why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.