You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Thanks to a fan for this one!