The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.