Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt