People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?