You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
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My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I know
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”