When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
LOL
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist