Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.