Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
#parenting
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway