I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Liquor Store Parking
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later