Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
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imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house