DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
plant them where lol
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””