[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Never forget.