To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.