It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.