{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.