ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”