That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
You Might Also Like
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Damn what did I do next
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.