I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body