👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.