If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
You Might Also Like
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself