Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?