The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
why no one uses midhusbands
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa