Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
What?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.