When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED