My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA