[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.