I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
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me adding lol on a serious message
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ