Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
NASA has no chill
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Easy enough.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy