8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K