“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.