Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.