waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what