HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics