HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome