I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco