Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?