YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
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“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby