Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If a snake ate a cake
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.